Is this making any sense at all?

After nonton Before Sunset, Serendipity (iya lagi), baca Bridges of Madison County, n rerun of My Girl 2 kemaren di transtv, it's more clear to me that.. only a few things like that happened in real life. I think, misalnya dalam satu keluarga besar kita, paling cuma satu ato dua yang mengisi marriage with it, maybe in my family that’s already sucked by all the love of my Opa to my Oma (you just could tell, even when he was dying, he just wrap all the love around her) Other than that, it’s all about tolerance.

Seperti biasa, minggu pagi kaya gini, me, nyokap and my sister sarapan di teras depan sambil ngeliat lapangan bola yang terus-terusan diguyur ujan dari tadi malem. The three of us just sit around, and eat, and sip the hot coffemix or tea, and just talk. This thing could take till it’s time for lunch. From calm conversations to risen our tone, or even a deep silence. Anyway, this time topik yang diatas yang dibahas, sebelumnya sih bahas masalah lain yang akhirnya nyambung kesini.

I just feel that when someone actually step in to my life, as my husband, it won't be because all the zazazu (as carrie bradshaw once said). Mostly maybe it's because of security reason. Bukan ga ada feeling sama sekali. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to expect passionate love, but mostly all the marriages I know, never had. It’s just the feeling, the reasonable reasons, and the time.

I think I never fought or try anything to get love, so I don't think I deserve that as much as I wanted to. And if someday some guy walks through my door and steps in, he will get what he deserve to get. Misalnya ada cowo yang udah jatuh bangun (dangdut) di relationship, keep falling, (walk under a bus, sit by a train, sunk up at sea, crash his car, gone insane), and at the end of the day he found me, and decided to keep me, not that I’m the love of his life. But I think he deserve this relationship better than I am.

Maybe, in my most deepest denial feeling, I already did feel love, although I've never been through it. But I did get an amount of love that I actually feel that is love. Maybe I had been given that amount of love just for the memory of it. Just for the times that I needed it.

After all we could found love, happiness, and the zazazu just getting back to the feeling, the memories, the books, the movies, or the songs.
Is this making any sense at all?